A Chapter from Teach Yourself NLP by Amanda Vickers and Steve Bavister

Chapter 8: States and Emotions

In this chapter you will learn:

• About states and how they affect behaviour
• How to become more aware of your own state and change it easily and effortlessly
• How to recognise the positive intention in ‘negative’ emotions
• How to support other people in changing their state
  

The state we’re in

In everyday conversation it’s not unusual to describe someone as being in a ‘state’ of some kind – a state of panic, a state of boredom, a state of bliss. The term is also used in a more general way: ‘he’s in a right old state’, ‘look at the state of her’.

The Collins English Dictionary describes state as: ‘the condition of a person’. In NLP, ‘state’ has a similar, but more specific meaning: ‘a gestalt of the neurological processes (mind and body) within an individual at any one time....the ongoing mental and physical conditions from which a person is acting’ (Dilts and De Lozier, Encyclopedia of NLP).

Tony Robbins suggests that state is the ‘sum of the millions of neurological processes happening within us – the sum total of our experience – at any one time’. In short, it’s a heady cocktail of everything that’s going on in the body and the mind.

One of the best ways to understand states is to experience them. How do you feel right now? Put down the book for a moment and allow your attention to go ‘inside’, into both your mind and your body. What state would you say you’re in right now?

• Perhaps you’re in a state of curiosity, as you think about what’s coming next.
• Or a confused state, as you get to grips with all these new concepts.
• Maybe it’s a state of excitement, as you become increasingly aware of how much richer your life will become as you learn NLP.
• Or some other state entirely – what would you call it?
  

Now think back over the last couple of days. What other states have you been in? List as many as come to mind.

In a typical day most of us go through a range of states, some of which we experience as positive and enjoyable (happiness, love, pleasure, confidence), others which seem negative and unpleasant (frustration, tiredness, anger, sadness). Some are only fleeting, lasting just a few seconds or minutes. Others are more enduring, and we have them for most of the day, or even longer. Our state is constantly changing. Not all states have names. Sometimes we’re just ‘in a good mood’ or we ‘feel out of sorts’. On other occasions we feel as if we got out of the wrong side of the bed. Nothing goes right. The whole world’s against us. Other times we can’t put a foot wrong. Everything we touch turns to gold.

Mostly, though, we’re somewhere in-between – until something happens to change it. For many people life is like a roller-coaster. Sometimes they’re up, sometimes they’re down, as their feelings get tossed around by the experiences life throws at them. Their boss gives them a hard time because they haven’t completed a task – or praise for a job they did well – and they feel lousy or elated.

What would it be like if you could choose your state, rather than have it controlled by what happens to you? Well, with NLP that’s possible. It’s simply a matter of using your brain in a way that gives you what you want.

Behaviour arises from State

The state we’re in is important because it not only affects how we feel, it also determines how we behave and our ability to perform well. When we feel confident, we act with boldness. When we feel apprehensive, we act timidly. When we’re in a ‘negative’, unresourceful state, we struggle with things we find easy to accomplish when we’re feeling strong and resourceful. Although we’re still the same person, our state makes all the difference.

Have you ever had the experience of trying do something, such as write a report or find the solution to a problem, and found it virtually impossible – only to have another go later, perhaps after a good night’s sleep, and find it easy and effortless. That’s the power of state – and one of the reasons certain states are highly sought after. Not only are they enjoyable, they’re also empowering.

State Awareness

Many people, however, are unaware of how they are feeling much of the time – and one of the most valuable things we can do is periodically ask ourselves how we feel and what state we’re in. Knowing what state you’re in is the first step to changing or enhancing it.

Just allowing your attention to ‘go inside’ for a moment – perhaps closing your eyes as you do so – will let you get more in touch with your experience. How’s your breathing? Fast or slow? Deep or shallow? Is you body tense or relaxed? Can you feel any discomfort anywhere? How are you mentally? Tired or bright? Quick or slow? Do you have anything on your mind? Or are you without a care in the world?

Once you’ve taken stock in this way a few times, you’ll develop the ability to know what’s going on for you virtually instantly. Most of us have a limited repertoire of states, just a handful we use regularly, and one – our ‘baseline’ state – that feels most natural.

Reflect for a few moments on what your baseline state might be – perhaps a time when you were on your own or doing something ordinary. What is the state you go back to more often than any other? Maybe you’re ‘chilled’ or ‘anxious’, ‘playful’ or ‘grumpy’. If someone who knows you well had to describe you in one word, what would they say? How would you describe some of your friends and colleagues?

‘Success isn’t the key to happiness – happiness is the key to success". Albert Schweitzer

How we create states

Most of us experience states as ‘happening’ to us, and think of them as being outside of our control. In fact we create them by the way in which we perceive the world. We’re able to choose our state – able to run our own brain, rather than have it running us. In NLP, the mind and body are thought of as one system, directly influencing each other, with changes in one impacting on the other. When we alter any aspect of our neurology and physiology, such as rate of breathing, blood pressure, temperature, muscle tension and posture, there’s a corresponding variation in our mental state. And the thoughts we have – that is the way in which we represent the world internally – have a powerful influence over our neuro-physiology. It’s a cybernetic loop. When most people look at someone they love or hear a favourite song they get a warm feeling inside. And when they look at an unpleasant photograph or hear footsteps behind them in the street at night the feeling they get is uncomfortable. These are examples of how external stimuli create or change our state.

People vary in how they perceive and interpret and react to different situations – and that makes an enormous difference to the state they end up in. Say you get up in the morning, go outside, and find your car’s been stolen. How will you react? Some people will fly into a rage while others will be philosophical. It’s the same with virtually anything. Many of us can tolerate quite a lot of upsets and take a while before we reach the point where the proverbial straw breaks the camel’s back. Most of us also know individuals who get upset and stymied by the smallest thing, while others brush aside adversity as if it were nothing.

Changing state

If you like your baseline state, and your other familiar states, there may seem no obvious reason to change them – and it may even seem strange to think about doing so. But you can if you want to. And wouldn’t you rather be able to choose to be in a high performance ‘peak’ state or a relaxed state given the choice?

NLP places great emphasis on being able to manage state, because when you’re in the right state for the situation you’re more likely to achieve your outcome. In business it ‘s important to be able to keep calm under pressure, while athletes need to remain focused when there’s lots of activity going on around them.

Some people use cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex, food, shopping or TV to change their state. But while ‘looking for love in the fridge’ can be effective in managing the symptoms, it’s a sticking-plaster solution. The best way of altering your state is by changing your neuro-physiology or the way you think about things. What does this mean in practice? Try these simple exercises.

Put on your grey-tinted glasses. Imagine all your plans and hopes and dreams turning to dust – nothing working out the way you want it. Make it as vivid as possible.

How do you feel now? Very different probably. You may feel down and even depressed. Perhaps your energy is low, there may be a knot in your stomach, and your body may have slumped.

Now just move around for a few seconds and think about something else. In NLP this is called ‘breaking state’. It’s an essential part of many change patterns because it stops one step in the process contaminating another. When working with someone else, asking a question about an unrelated subject – ‘how did you get here today?’ – can help change state.

Then put on your rose-tinted glasses, and imagine all your plans turning out for the best. Things could not be more fantastic. It’s like a dream come true. Enjoy the experience in your mind using all the representational systems, amplifying it by means of the appropriate submodalities.

How do you feel? Energised? Excited? Exhilarated? What’s your posture like? How’s your breathing?

Now ‘break state’ by moving around and thinking of something different.

In Chapter 14 we look at ‘reframing’, which is another way of changing state because when a frame (or the way we think of something in a particular context) changes so does the meaning, and our response to it. This in turn affects the way we feel.

One of the easiest ways of changing state is by changing your physiology: In fact, this exercise has been demonstrated to be one of the most effective ‘treatments’ for depression. Try it for yourself:

1. Bring to mind a memory that makes you mildly uncomfortable. Say 3 to 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is the highest. Fully associate into it, so you can really feel it in your body. Now, trying to hold onto that uncomfortable feeling, dance or jog or hop or jump around the room. If you’re like most people, you’ll find it hard to stay uncomfortable.

2. Break state by counting slowly up to 10.

3. Now think of a calm, safe place, where there’s nothing to do – for instance lying on a beach or under a shady tree on a sunny day. Fully recall the memory. Next increase your rate of breathing, bring it high in your chest. And try to hold onto that feeling of calm. It’s not easy. Perhaps impossible.

The point of these examples is to show how quick and easy it is to change states. You don’t have to be the victim of your moods and emotions – you can choose how you want to feel at any moment in time.

Ecology in state change

This is not, however, to suggest that you ignore your emotions and simply ‘look on the bright side’. Most of us would rather not have grief, frustration, guilt, fear, disappointment and so forth, but jumping around to get rid of them may not always be the best option. Many emotions are, in the words of Tony Robbins, Action Signals, which contain a message about something in your life that needs attention. A feeling of overload, for instance, often means that you’re trying to deal with too many things at once, and need to re-evaluate what’s important to you. What most of us regard as negative emotions are actually our allies – they have a positive intention which we often overlook. Once we allow ourselves to fully experience the emotion we can get in touch with what it’s trying to tell us, and then if we take action – which may sometimes involve changing the way we think about things – we can be in control of choosing our own sate.

The states of others

We are also incredibly sensitive to the states of others. Generally you can get a good idea just by looking at someone what kind of mood they’re in. Recognising the states of others is extremely important – especially in terms of rapport and communicating effectively with people in their map of the world. We’ll be looking at the importance of Sensory Acuity and Calibration in Chapter 10.

Elicitation

In NLP elicitation is the technique for assisting someone else in moving from one state to another. If someone is feeling uncertain and they want to feel confident and self assured the easiest way to help them is to ask them to recall a time when they felt that way. Once they bring the memory to mind they will re-experience it as long as they’re associated into the experience.

Try it for yourself: recall a time when you felt relaxed and fully associate into that memory. When you’re working with someone else it helps a great deal if you act as a model for the state yourself. If you want to lead them into a state of curiosity you need to demonstrate it too.

NLP in action

Monitor your state for the next few hours and get a sense of how often it changes.

The next time you’re feeling a little low in energy recall a time when you felt full of beans – associate into the experience. Amplify the feeling by adjusting the appropriate submodalities.

When you experience an emotion you would rather do without get in touch with the positive intention.

Guide someone else to change state using the elicitation process.